One of the most asked questions most divorced couples ask me is why marriages fail. This might be a little confronting, but asking why, is a very disempowering question to ask because why they left has nothing to do with how you are going to recover.
Why Marriages Fail
Most people think that falling in love is why people get married, failing in love is actually an unstable condition. It is the culmination of how partners are unbalanced. The classical example of this is the over and under responsible partners, where one partner takes on all the responsibilities and the other one becomes the co-dependent. In the beginning, this may work well and the couple may enjoy the imbalance. However, it seldom lasts and eventually one partner will become resentful of the other.
To explain why marriages fail I’d like to share this story with you. For James and Susan, it started as a match made in heaven. James was brought up by a very critical father, and as a result learnt that the way to reduce criticism was to avoid making decisions for himself. He was wrapped when he met Susan, who always took control. Susan’s mother died when she was in her early teens and had to carry the additional burden of looking after her younger siblings who where 4 and 5 at the time. Susan learnt that she had control if she was making all the decision about the home and the other children. Taking on these responsibilities so young, gave her the tools to be organised and always in charge of what needed to be done. She enjoyed being with James, because he allowed her to get on with what she did best, running the household.
But as life got busier Susan, Susan was finding it harder to do everything herself and wanted James to take on more responsibility. As more things were left undone Susan began to feel resentful because James seemed to be having all the fun while she did all the work. Eventually, Susan had enough and filed for divorce.
There is something to learn and grow from with every situation. For James it is to step up and take more responsibility. If he doesn’t learn, then he would find another person to take care of him, and repeat the same pattern. For Susan, this is a sign to relinquish some of the control which made her feel safe, so that the other person can stand in their own power of their lives.
Can you recognise a pattern in your life, which may be polarising your relationship and why marriages fail?
If you would like to discuss why marriages fail contact me to arrange a complimentary coaching session