The problem with divorce advice

I read a blog post about things that make a Breaking up less painful.  The problem with divorce advice given in this blog is that: the focus is on assigning blame doesn’t take into consider individual situations predetermination of the future The focus is on assigning blame One part of the advice was to assess what you did wrong in the relationship.  In Australia “no fault” has been around since 1975 – that’s nearly 40 years ago.  Yet, today some still believe that blame needs to be assigned to each partner.  The objective of a relationship is for us to grow through the connection, some times we outgrow the relationship.  It may be hard to believe but on a fundamental level we are here to serve ourselves and we do everything to keep ourselves safe.  We stick around people when we get something from the relationship and then we leave.  This might be a little hard to comprehend as it an entirely different way of looking at what relationship really mean. Instead of looking at placing blame I urge to look at the lessons, the benefits and blessings that you got from the relationship.  This will move you forward far faster than assigning blame The divorce advice doesn’t take into consider individual situations Some advice is given by good intentions.  What makes this divorce advice dangerous  but is based on the advisers previous experience.   Each situation is different and how each person interprets a situation differently.   An hence the generic divorce advice may relate to an entirely different set of variables.   Divorce advice predetermines the future This...

Is Gratitude Really Attainable

 What exactly is Gratitude? There is some much talk about finding things in your life that you can be grateful for.  And on some level you know you “should” show gratitude for everything in your live. This can be exceptionally hard when you are in the midst of maybe the most challenging time of your life.   There seems so little to show gratitude for.  The deeper the emotional time, the deeper you sometimes need to dig to find the gratitude.  The crazy thing is that when we are in emotional highs, we have little need or scope to grow.  Yet when we are in the throws of emotional lows, that’s when we have the potential to grow and stretch ourselves beyond belief emotionally and mentally. Getting to full gratitude is about being  thankful and appreciative when it seems impossible to be thankful and appreciative.  The ” bad” times.  This includes those events which society believe or judges as bad, sad or devastating.    You will experience true gratitude when you are able to appreciate the things that cause you perceived pain.   Life is 50:50, if  you noted  everything that happened you would see that there is an equal number of “pleasure” events as there are “pain” events.   The universe is always maintaining balance.  Some experiences that may seem to only able to cause pain, will later in reflection be a source of great pleasure.   There are so many stories on the web of people who have had adversity and yet over time have been able to find the blessing afterwards.   Amy Purdy is one of these people.  At a...

The Four Divorces

 When you go through a divorce or separation there are actually divorce in four areas of your life.  And the trauma may extend far beyond the legal papers being signed.   Divorce is three-fold and divorce trauma can continue for a significant period long after the papers are signed. The Legal Divorce This is the legal process of your divorce, where you  involve lawyers and judges. From a monetary perspective this is the most expensive.  During this process where there are many arguments as each party states their case, draught parenting plans, settle property and debts.  And for some this is the easiest part of the divorce process. The Financial Divorce This is where your worldly possessions are split between the two of you.  This often means that you will have reduction in your standard of living, because the income is at best halved but the expenses remain largely the same if not increase.  You may need to let go of some possessions that you enjoyed having around but did not belong to you, the family home might also need to sold, which can cause anguish for many. The Social Divorce This is the splitting or alienation of your friends and your family, ex-family, and can include your children.   Coming to terms with the divorce can be as difficult for you as it is for your friends, family, ex-family and your children.  They may have a hard time accepting that you are no longer a couple.  Some might even harbour the secret hope that you will become a couple again.  However, the awkwardness, their secret hopes is all their...

Your life will never be the same

Knowing what to expect is important when navigating the  divorce  recovery process Divorce is life changing – your life will never be the same.   Once you learn how to navigate the emotional waves and the life changes of divorce, you will be able to appreciate this experience and master your life.   You won’t be able to have the same lifestyle, your friends will change, and you will also change.  With your determination, support and courage, you will be stronger and more resilient after this experience.  Everything that you do now is as a single person again.  You have the opportunity to grow and gain wisdom like no other time in your life. Mindset and openness to learn, is key to how quickly you are able to get over your breakup and on with your life. If you set the intention that you are able and willing to learn and grow from your breakup you will be setting yourself up for success. The following are key aspects of the divorce recovery process, which you need to be aware of   Be your own best friend The process of divorce is mentally draining; beating yourself up, judging yourself and having unrealistic expectations of yourself during this time will only add to your pain. You may feel that you didn’t have a choice in you splitting up, but you do have a choice in how you react to your circumstances. If you are feeling that you are unlovable at the moment, or you are stuck in a cycle of beating yourself up,  get help from a coach or counsellor –...