How to get over it

Get over it!  Is probably something that you have heard, so time in your life.  Sometimes this is easy, but for the most part it is very challenging.  Logic says that you need to move but the voices in your head continue – over and over again.   So how do you get over it?  Are there steps that you can take to move on from the hurt, the anger, resentment and overwhelm?  I believe there are.  The Eagles 1.  Why we struggle to get over it Lets first look at why it is a struggle to get over things,  I think there are a few reasons but one that stands out for me is that we believe that the situation should be another way.  We get so stuck on feeling terrible about our current situation so we create a illusion or fantasy that if it were to be the opposite things would be so much better.  As time goes by, we seek out evidence to make ourselves right.  Amplifying the negatives of our current situation and the positive of the opposite.   The more intensely we concentrate on this the greater our fantasies and nightmares become. 2.  What you can do What I’m going to ask you may seem counter intuitive.  This is probably because in today’s society we have become very polarised.  We have set rules of what is “right” and what is “wrong”.  So looking at the downside of “good” or the upside of “bad” seems to fly in the face of sanity.  Please bear with me and just give it a go.  If you do nothing...

You might need to put down your Divorce Journal

One method recommended by many  coaches and counsellors is keeping a divorce journal.  But recent research done by psychological scientist David Sbarra of the University of Arizona has shown that this might not be the best course of action for some.  The unexpected results found that for some writing about how they felt, actually left some people feeling more emotionally distraught months down the line. So, if you are some one who tends to ruminate about your feelings, dwell on them or have the tendency to find meaning in every experience, writing them in a divorce journal may be doing you more harm than good. With this research it is important to decide if journalling is right for you, so that you don’t cause yourself more anguish down the track. If you do decide to journal,  use your divorce journal  as a tool to assist you in working through your emotions rather than reiterating and anchoring how terrible you are feeling.   Use your divorce journal to document your progress, the things that you are able to achieve, rather than writing out your feelings. Your effectiveness in solving challenges is determined by the quality of the questions you ask yourself. So,  using a divorce journal you can use work  through your challenges by answering quality questions  about your challenge. Here are some examples of questions you can ask yourself to get a different perspective on your challenge: How is this challenge serving me? What skills or knowledge do I require to overcome this challenge? What would I not learn, had I not had this challenge? What else can it mean?...

It’s all about….self care

Self Care is probably heard this before; put the oxygen mask over your own mouth before you assist others.  You can’t help others, if you can not help yourself. This seems to be such good, easy advice to follow, but some times it is challenging to put it into practice.  We must first like or love ourselves enough to put the oxygen mask on first. Self care is about Balance Nature is made up systems of balance, night and day; cold and hot; birth and death.  This is the same for humans, to live a balance life.   A balance must exist between narcism and self sacrificing. So when you catch yourself saying “No one cares for me”; turn it around “When last did I care for me?”  This is where you begin.   If you feel that someone is not caring for you, look at where you are not caring for yourself.   Write your list without doing any filtering; keep writing until you can write no more.  Once you have a list begin with the one that you find the easiest to do for yourself.   This might be cleaning your bathroom, taking time for reading a book, taking extra care with your grooming, it doesn’t matter.  Pick one and do this everyday for a week. After a week evaluate how different you are feeling.  Are you feeling better about yourself, have others changed the way they respond to you.   This will vary from very different to no different, all answers are great and feedback that you can use in the future.  If you feel no different it could be that...

Nurturing yourself

Negative Self Talk impacts Self Care Dealing with negative self talk can be the most important part of self care.  We all have the negative voice inside of us, which tells us how we are not enough, how we should do things that we don’t have enough money, skills, brains, etc.  I’d like to provide an alternative to dealing with the inner critic than is often proposed that you should deny this part of yourself, because I think this is bollooks, why would you want to deny a part of yourself?  I think these thoughts are inner reflections of the parts of us that we do not love. One of the greatest fears that most of us walk around with is “I’m not good enough”  This statement isn’t empowering or helpful and quite destructive to your self care.  This is because this negative thought is far too general.   Not good enough for what?  What is meant by not good enough? Once you start breaking the statement down, you are able to turn it around, not to be “positive” but to see where the reflection is.  No one is able to be at peak performance in every area, this isn’t a design flaw it is the way that it should be.  Just as day turns to night, summer turns to winter, everything in the universe has an opposite.  And each side has a purpose and each side can build your self care. Get Specific When you next find yourself having a negative thought, break it down, and get really specific about exactly what the negativity is about.  Once you have...