Coping During Holidays

Coping during holidays can be very challenging especially if this is your first holiday without your partner or children;  it may be one of many but you still feel the pain of what isn’t anymore.  Special times of the year are challenging at first, but they do get better.  It either gets better because of the time lapse, that you begin to forget what is was like to have Christmas with your ex.  Or you can make the conscious decision to redefine Christmas and the holidays for yourself.    I hear so many times my clients say that it’s not a normal Christmas anymore.  And on one level they are right, but I would like to question the definition of “normal”.  If about 50% of marriages fail, this means that 50% aren’t having a “normal” Christmas.  Of the 50% that are having a “normal” Christmas are often come from a family that did not have a “normal” Christmas either because of death or divorce. I’m not saying this to minimise the feelings that are very real, especially if this is the first holidays that are different to you.  I’m wanting to point out that you may be living with a fantasy of what a “normal” Christmas is.    We grow up with so many idealisms  of what life should or shouldn’t be like.   And when it turns out differently we beat ourselves up and fight against the reality of what is. There is no way to happiness – happiness is the way ~ Wayne Dyer When we say to ourselves, this is wrong it shouldn’t be like this, you...

Please Hear What I Am Not Saying

Divorce can be an opportunity  for you to remove the mask that you hide behind.  This is a beautiful divorce poem that I found describing the masks we wear. Please hear what I am not Saying Don’t be fooled by me.  Don’t be fooled by the face I wear.  I wear a mask, I wear  a thousand masks.  Mask s that I am afraid to take off – and none of these masks are me.  Pretending is an art that is second nature with me.  Don’t be fooled, for God’s sake, don’t be fooled.  I give you the impression that I am secure, that all is sunny and calm and I am in commas, ad that I need no one.  But please don’t believe me.  My surface may seen smooth but my surface is my makes, my ever varying and ever concealing make. Beneath lies not smugness, no complacence.  Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.  But I hide this.  I don’t want anybody to know it.  I panic at the thought of my weakness and my fear of being exposed.  that’s why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant, sophisticated facade to help me pretend, to whiled me from the glance that knows.  But such a glance is what I need.  And I know it.  That is, if the glance is followed by acceptance and if it’s followed by love. It can kelp me liberate me from myself, from my own self-built prison walls, from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.  It will assure me of what I can’t assure myself, that...

Why Marriages Fail

One of the most asked questions most divorced couples ask me is why marriages fail.   This might be a little confronting, but asking why, is a very disempowering question to ask because why they left has nothing to do with how you are going to recover. Why Marriages Fail Most people think that falling in love is why people get married,  failing in love is actually an unstable condition.  It is the culmination of how partners are unbalanced.  The classical example of this is the over and under responsible partners, where one partner takes on all the responsibilities and the other one becomes the co-dependent. In the beginning, this may work well and the couple may enjoy the imbalance.  However, it seldom lasts and eventually one partner will become resentful of the other. To explain why marriages fail I’d like to share this story with you. For James and Susan, it started as a match made in heaven.  James was brought up by a very critical father, and as a result learnt that the way to reduce criticism was to avoid making decisions for himself.  He was wrapped when he met Susan, who always took control. Susan’s mother died when she was in her early teens and had to carry the additional burden of looking after her younger siblings who where 4 and 5 at the time.  Susan learnt that she had control if she was making all the decision about the home and the other children.  Taking on these responsibilities so young, gave her the tools to be organised and always in charge of what needed to...

Should I stay or should I go….

Deciding to Divorce Deciding to divorce or split with a long term partner should not be taken lightly, and all avenues should be explored to repairing the relationship.  If you have done all of this and truly feel that your relationship is over.  I believe it is a disservice to you, your partner, children and those around you if remain in the relationship. Deciding to divorce is challenging. For some it will be the most challenging process to go through.  When this is the case reasons to justify staying are created.  Below are the most common reasons which keep people in an unhappy relationship. 1. It will be better for the children This is belief is often held by children of a very messy divorce, but what it is really about them not wanting to put their children through the emotional roller coaster that they had to endure.  You give to you children what you are currently experiencing.  If you are living in a unlovable or strained relationship will be evident in your behaviour.  This is what you will be passing on to your children. 2.  We can’t afford it You may have monetary comforts as a married couple, and this makes it harder to end a relationship.  But there is no point in having money when you are dying inside. According to The Washington Post, a law firm found that 20% to 25% of their clients, stated money as the main reason for not getting a divorce.  This has created a new trend – separated-but-living-together (SBLT).  You may live in a state which requires a period of separate...