What is your style of Relationship

Virginia Satir a well known family therapist identified the following relationship style.  What type of relationship did you have with your ex?   The Dependency Relationship Style This is where two people lean on each to be a whole person.  They have not learnt to rely on themselves to be happy.  This can be very comforting in the beginning, but when one person begins to change and grow it upsets the dependency between them. The Smothering Relationship Style The smothering relationship is often seen in high school and teenage relationships.  The couple will often say “I can’t live without you”, “I will do anything to make you happy”.  Many love relationships start being a smothering relationship.  If there is enough space given the relationship will grow into another type of relationship.   If the relationship doesn’t grow one or both parties will become to feel smothered and trapped. The Pedestal Relationship Style The pedestal relationship is when one party worships the other person.  The one person will love them not for who they are, but for the perception of who they are.  It can be a difficult for the person on the pedestal, because there will be may expectations on them to live up to the expectation.  Communication will be a problem because they will be communicating with an ideal, and not with a real body. The Master-Slave Relationship Style The master-slave relationship is where one of the parties is the head or boss of the house and makes all the decisions.  This is not always the male in the family that fulfils this role.  Most relationships have one...

Then, Now, Tomorrow

  This week I’m going to share with you a divorce poem.  Divorce poems as great because they are analogies for the feelings that you are currently feeling.   This one written by an unknown author helps you concentrate on what learnings and growth you can take away from your divorce. Then, Now, Tomorrow Then was the past, Now is the present.  Tomorrow will be the future. Then was memories, both good and bad.  It was friends of old. It was happiness and understanding.  It was failure, success and compromise. You cannot live in the Then.  You must hold onto the good and learn from the bad. You must remember the success and understand the failures. You must use them to grew and become more complete person.   Now is painful.  It is remember the past, no matter how hard you try not to. Now is looking at failures with a piercing mind. Success is hard to measure, or comprehend. Now is recovery, thinking about life.   You have to always live in the Now. Everyday is Now, the present Decisions mad Now will affect your tomorrow. Now is the present. Now is the past. Now is the future. All these things are rolled into one, NOW. Tomorrow is what will become.  Happiness, sorrow, pain and LOVE Will we be happy tomorrow?  No one really knows that, but it can be determined.   Tomorrow is dreams, hopes and prayers.  It is change, for better or worse this change will come. Tomorrow, It must come or life becomes stagnate lil a lifeless pond on the prairie of desolation. Tomorrow is...

Valentine’s Day after divorce

Valentine’s Day after divorce  can be very tough.  Valentines Day, is based on you needing some one else to make you feel special.  Without some one on your side the feeling of disappointment, anger, blame and self pity may take a hold of you again.   Be prepared for them take each feeling and just sit with it for a while.  Your feelings are there to teach you something.  What lesson do your feeling hold for you?  Every event that occurs is an opportunity for us to learn, about ourselves and others.  We cannot see anything in others that we don’t already have within ourselves. The more we ourselves for who we truly are, the more we can love others.  And it is through the events in our lives, that we learn about where we are not being  loving towards ourselves.  When we experience events such as cheating, betrayal, disappointment, anger or blame committed by others.  The universe is highlighting the traits that we are not loving ourselves for. This Valentine’s Day after divorce take back your power, through taking the events that you feel are devastating as an opportunity to love yourself more. Cheating comes in many different forms, you may have wished that they were like someone else you know.  You may have fantasied about being with someone else.  In your mind you may have created a perfect situation with this other person.  It’s always there, you need to have the courage to look and find it. When it comes to disappointment you will find that you have disappointed your ex and others.  It may be that you...

Determination

Separation or divorce is challenging.  You might be at the stage, where being able to pick your head up from the pillow each morning can seem to be the hardest thing to do. One of the character traits that you will build as you work through this process, is determination.  Determination to make the changes that you need to make.  Determination that you are willing to go the extra mile to see you ex in a different way.   Determination to build a new life for yourself.  This is easier said than done.  It is very easy to get overwhelmed and slip into a life of acceptance and defeat. When you feel that you have no will and that you just don’t have it in you.  Remember we all have determination build into us,  it’s just a matter of being able to consciously tap into it.   Determination often shows up in areas that you are the most comfortable,  so it’s natural that in your  current situation,  it is challenging to be aware of your innate determination.  You will need to make a conscious effort to remember the events in your life when you have displayed determination.    Keep listing as many as you can think of, the more you list the more you will become consciously aware of how you have determination within yourself. The two words that that undermine your determination are “I can’t ….. ” .  These two words tell you soo much about how you are limiting yourself.  The next time you catch yourself saying “I can’t …”  turn it around and ask yourself  “What if I...

You might need to put down your Divorce Journal

One method recommended by many  coaches and counsellors is keeping a divorce journal.  But recent research done by psychological scientist David Sbarra of the University of Arizona has shown that this might not be the best course of action for some.  The unexpected results found that for some writing about how they felt, actually left some people feeling more emotionally distraught months down the line. So, if you are some one who tends to ruminate about your feelings, dwell on them or have the tendency to find meaning in every experience, writing them in a divorce journal may be doing you more harm than good. With this research it is important to decide if journalling is right for you, so that you don’t cause yourself more anguish down the track. If you do decide to journal,  use your divorce journal  as a tool to assist you in working through your emotions rather than reiterating and anchoring how terrible you are feeling.   Use your divorce journal to document your progress, the things that you are able to achieve, rather than writing out your feelings. Your effectiveness in solving challenges is determined by the quality of the questions you ask yourself. So,  using a divorce journal you can use work  through your challenges by answering quality questions  about your challenge. Here are some examples of questions you can ask yourself to get a different perspective on your challenge: How is this challenge serving me? What skills or knowledge do I require to overcome this challenge? What would I not learn, had I not had this challenge? What else can it mean?...

Coping During Holidays

Coping during holidays can be very challenging especially if this is your first holiday without your partner or children;  it may be one of many but you still feel the pain of what isn’t anymore.  Special times of the year are challenging at first, but they do get better.  It either gets better because of the time lapse, that you begin to forget what is was like to have Christmas with your ex.  Or you can make the conscious decision to redefine Christmas and the holidays for yourself.    I hear so many times my clients say that it’s not a normal Christmas anymore.  And on one level they are right, but I would like to question the definition of “normal”.  If about 50% of marriages fail, this means that 50% aren’t having a “normal” Christmas.  Of the 50% that are having a “normal” Christmas are often come from a family that did not have a “normal” Christmas either because of death or divorce. I’m not saying this to minimise the feelings that are very real, especially if this is the first holidays that are different to you.  I’m wanting to point out that you may be living with a fantasy of what a “normal” Christmas is.    We grow up with so many idealisms  of what life should or shouldn’t be like.   And when it turns out differently we beat ourselves up and fight against the reality of what is. There is no way to happiness – happiness is the way ~ Wayne Dyer When we say to ourselves, this is wrong it shouldn’t be like this, you...

Get a Divorce Team – Don’t do it alone

Often the sign of strength is doing something on your own.  When we look around us and see the many people who have transcended adversity, have not done it on their own, but with a team behind them.  Divorce is no different.  It’s easier with a Divorce Team.  Each member on the team serves a purpose to assist you in working through the challenges of divorce.  If you have to go for surgery you may select a team, or a team may be selected for you to ensure that you have the best care and chance of recovery.  Divorce is no different, with the correct divorce team for your needs you will be able to get over and get on with your life. Who should be on your team, and in what circumstances should you add them to your divorce team?  Most divorcing couples get an attorney or lawyer to assist them in wadding through legal obligations of splitting assets, child support and custody arrangements.  But that is where the role of your attorney or lawyer will probably end.   It is not reasonable to be your best friend during your divorce.  He is there to ensure that the process of your divorce is successful.  In fact, most attorneys are uncomfortable with strong emotions, tears and hand holding their clients.  In fact using your lawyer in this manner will probably only escalate your costs. Create a team of people who can assist you in their particular expertise. Your emotions are one of hardest things to control during and after divorcing.  Yet, out of control emotions causing a high cost is...

Stages of Divorce – Denial

There are stages of divorce which everyone goes through.  Understanding these stages of divorce enables you to be more understanding of yourself and your ex. Stages of Divorce – Denial This is often the stages of divorce which is felt first.  “It’s just a phase, when they begin to miss me, they will come back.“   “We just need a little time apart to sort ourselves out.”  If you are saying this to yourself, you may be experiencing denial.  Denial is a coping mechanism, when you feel vulnerable or that you are losing control.  Short-term denial, gives you time to adjust to the stressful and emotional time that you are experiencing.   It’s okay to say “I can’t think about what would happen if they didn’t come back”.   This gives your mind time to catch up and absorb all the emotions flooding through your body This can be the biggest challenge in a divorce when only one on the couple are wanting to split.  “I still love him/her.  I will try harder, I will be better”  ” I really want to make it work”.   Denial is really about fear; fear that we will be losing something or someone that we have previously felt very dear.  On an unconscious level, we know when we call the elephant in the room, we will need to deal with it.  And so often it is easier to live with the pain that we are currently experiencing than to step out of our comfort zone and grow. But in order for you to get on with your life, you denial can only be a temporary measure...

Are you experiencing divorce grief?

No one may have died,  but there is a significant loss in terms of your relationship,  this is how a lot of people experience divorce or a relationship breakup. Elizabeth Kubler Ross, an American psychiatrist, pioneered this theory on the phases of grief.  These can be applied to divorce and are known as Divorce Grief phases aren’t necessary experienced in sequence. You may find that you feel that you have gone through a phase and then find yourself feeling the same feeling again.  This is normal so be patient with yourself.   Understanding the divorce grief phases assists you in your recovery.  1. Denial During this phase you may have feelings of shock, disbelief, numbness and sense of emptiness.  You may have a strong urge not speak about what is currently happening, so likely avoid the subject altogether. 2. Anger During this phase you may experience any or all the variations of anger.  From mild irritation, to feeling furious to full blown fury and outrage.  You may direct your anger and yourself, others and inanimate objects.  This is the phase where you will most likely to expressively show your emotions. 3. Bargaining During this phase you may become obsessive and fixated on getting an outcome.  Potentially unrealistic confidence in your ability to control your life.  This phase brings about a desperation to be able to change your current reality. 4.  Depression This phase is when you are experiencing feelings of depression, rather than having the condition “Depression”.  Preceding this phase is the very expressive anger.  During this phase you may begin to feel sad, lonely and helpless.  Your general interest...

It’s all about….self care

Self Care is probably heard this before; put the oxygen mask over your own mouth before you assist others.  You can’t help others, if you can not help yourself. This seems to be such good, easy advice to follow, but some times it is challenging to put it into practice.  We must first like or love ourselves enough to put the oxygen mask on first. Self care is about Balance Nature is made up systems of balance, night and day; cold and hot; birth and death.  This is the same for humans, to live a balance life.   A balance must exist between narcism and self sacrificing. So when you catch yourself saying “No one cares for me”; turn it around “When last did I care for me?”  This is where you begin.   If you feel that someone is not caring for you, look at where you are not caring for yourself.   Write your list without doing any filtering; keep writing until you can write no more.  Once you have a list begin with the one that you find the easiest to do for yourself.   This might be cleaning your bathroom, taking time for reading a book, taking extra care with your grooming, it doesn’t matter.  Pick one and do this everyday for a week. After a week evaluate how different you are feeling.  Are you feeling better about yourself, have others changed the way they respond to you.   This will vary from very different to no different, all answers are great and feedback that you can use in the future.  If you feel no different it could be that...