Communication Breakdown

There are many reasons why marriages fail but they all have a common thread – communication breakdown.  It doesn’t matter how in love your once were, the failure to communicate to each other is the root of relationship breakdown. As a couple we age, we change, and there is nothing you can do about that.  And it’s through this changing process that our relationship adjusts with our partners.  If we grow at the same speed in the the same areas, chances are we will have a very “smooth” relationship.  But the changes of this occurring are very slim, if at all likely to happen.  Our changing perceptions of the world reflect what and in which areas we have  grown.  When your perceptions and your partners perceptions become less aligned arguments and disagreements occur leading to communication breakdown. There are numerous tools and techniques out there that we can use to assist in avoiding communication breakdown with not only our partner/ex-partner but in all relationships. Today I am going to discuss The Values Determination process created by Dr. John Demartini.  This is a set of 13 questions, which evaluates what our lives are currently showing is most important to us.  These values aren’t based on morals or virtues or like a shopping list of words where you pick the words that resonate with you.  These questions are designed to extract your values without interference of your logical brain. Now it may be tempting to answer the questions from the perspective of what you would like the answer to be but I urge not to do this.  Imagine walking into the...

Jus Primae Noctis

The jus primae noctis was a popular belief  in medieval Europe.  The belief was that the Lord of the Manor had the privilege of sharing the wedding bed with his peasants’ brides. Put in place by the lords as a sign of superiority over the dependent peasants in the 15th century.  Today this seems weird and a foreign concept.  Something no one would consider advocating today.  Yet, then it may have been the norm.  There are various sources that refute this practice. Beliefs about marriage, divorce and sex are varied between different ages and cultures.   I thought it would be interesting and beneficial do a little research into what these differences are and how they could affect our current thinking.   I (and most of you), live in a Western like society, where generally divorce is frowned upon.  It wasn’t until early Christian leaders became hostile toward sex, that it marriage became a institution for life.  In fact there are many cultures where divorce is accepted as part of life.    Most of these cultures are found in African cultures where economic autonomy exists.  Some examples are: The Lozi people primarily from Zambia have polygamous but not polyandry marriages. Divorce is allowable and a common occurrence. The !Kung bushmen in Nambia the divorce rate is about 41% and often have multiple marriages Hadza from Tanzania partner with several partners over the course of their lives, without formal marriages you can argue that there is no divorce.  They are accepting of the fact that one person will have several sexual partners Yoruba people from West Africa have a divorce rate of 46% I have...

How to get over it

Get over it!  Is probably something that you have heard, so time in your life.  Sometimes this is easy, but for the most part it is very challenging.  Logic says that you need to move but the voices in your head continue – over and over again.   So how do you get over it?  Are there steps that you can take to move on from the hurt, the anger, resentment and overwhelm?  I believe there are.  The Eagles 1.  Why we struggle to get over it Lets first look at why it is a struggle to get over things,  I think there are a few reasons but one that stands out for me is that we believe that the situation should be another way.  We get so stuck on feeling terrible about our current situation so we create a illusion or fantasy that if it were to be the opposite things would be so much better.  As time goes by, we seek out evidence to make ourselves right.  Amplifying the negatives of our current situation and the positive of the opposite.   The more intensely we concentrate on this the greater our fantasies and nightmares become. 2.  What you can do What I’m going to ask you may seem counter intuitive.  This is probably because in today’s society we have become very polarised.  We have set rules of what is “right” and what is “wrong”.  So looking at the downside of “good” or the upside of “bad” seems to fly in the face of sanity.  Please bear with me and just give it a go.  If you do nothing...

The problem with divorce advice

I read a blog post about things that make a Breaking up less painful.  The problem with divorce advice given in this blog is that: the focus is on assigning blame doesn’t take into consider individual situations predetermination of the future The focus is on assigning blame One part of the advice was to assess what you did wrong in the relationship.  In Australia “no fault” has been around since 1975 – that’s nearly 40 years ago.  Yet, today some still believe that blame needs to be assigned to each partner.  The objective of a relationship is for us to grow through the connection, some times we outgrow the relationship.  It may be hard to believe but on a fundamental level we are here to serve ourselves and we do everything to keep ourselves safe.  We stick around people when we get something from the relationship and then we leave.  This might be a little hard to comprehend as it an entirely different way of looking at what relationship really mean. Instead of looking at placing blame I urge to look at the lessons, the benefits and blessings that you got from the relationship.  This will move you forward far faster than assigning blame The divorce advice doesn’t take into consider individual situations Some advice is given by good intentions.  What makes this divorce advice dangerous  but is based on the advisers previous experience.   Each situation is different and how each person interprets a situation differently.   An hence the generic divorce advice may relate to an entirely different set of variables.   Divorce advice predetermines the future This...