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 divorce support and recovery

Review your Relationship

When you got married you believed that everything would be okay.  Sure you knew that you would have arguments but you believed that you and your partner would settle your arguments amicably. When life gets in the way, together will find a way to find your way back to each other.   Most of all you believed that there would be lots of love and laughter. This isn’t what you are currently experiencing.

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Recover from your Divorce

Statistically the divorce rate is between 40% and 50%  for first marriages and higher for second and third marriages.  Despite the odds,  you never thought your relationship would end.   The day you never thought would happen – has happened.  Divorce is your current reality.   Many people believe that divorce recovery happens over time.  Time does not heal the hurt from a relationship breakdown.  It only creates scar tissue. 

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Recreate your Life

There are a lot of things to consider in order to recreate life post divorce or separation.  Your divorce may have taken years to settle which may have left you emotionally and financially exhausted.  An indicator of your success in recreating your life is largely depend on how well you went through the divorce process.  You know that you have to recreate life post divorce but you are not sure where to begin.  There are so many things on your plate;  you need to find a new home, build new friendships, start a new career or learn to live life as a single parent.  

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Are you really being a supportive friend?

What does being a supportive friend mean? There are life events where we are make us uncomfortable and unsure how to treat our friends, and one of those is divorce.  Are you unsure  how be a supportive friend?  You are not alone, most people find it uncomfortable with the subject with their friends.  It is often as uncomfortable for the divorcing party, they aren’t sure how to act around you either What should or shouldn’t you say?  What is the acceptable behaviour?  Are you supposed to act like nothing’s happened when your friend.  Do you throw your arms around them  and tell them how sorry you are?  Do you leave self-help books on their doorstep? Instinctively, we want to “fix” the pain of those around us.  As hard as it may seem, “fixing” our friends problem is not being a supportive friend.  Being a supportive friend is more about holding the space for your friend.  There is so much that is said in moments of silence, when we don’t try to fix or change the moment,  just being with the emotions that are being felt and being okay with that. What you must NOT say when being a supportive friend “Why?” This may seem to be the logical question.  Asking “Why”, will make your friend feel that they have to justify their position.  When this happens their defences go up and you may become the enemy. “Who filed?” You might be dying to ask the question – don’t.  It doesn’t matter, and certainly won’t help your friend any better it you knew. “You’re better of with that loser!” This might be also...

Divorce is BAD vs Divorce is GOOD

About a week ago I read a article on how divorce is bad, and especially damaging to children.  The article was written by a Psychologist who had based her research on speaking to dozens of children and her experience as a child psychologist for 40 years. At the time of writing this week’s blog there are about 500 comments some for the article and some against.   I’m a little surprised that we are still having this conversation.  Technologically we are so advanced and have overcome so many challenging events in the last decade  or so.    911, later the bombings in Bali, Tsunami’s in 2004 and 2011 to name just a few.   And yet divorce seems to be the thing that is the most “devastating”  thing for a child? Divorce certainly has an affect on the children, grand children and other relatives.  Putting a blanket statement like divorce is bad, itself can be very damaging. We live in an age where the general population has a greater understanding of the term “It’s not what happens to you, it’s what you do with what happens to you”.    Yet this seems to have been forgotten in this study.  There are so many things can affect children. Illness, disease, war, economic struggles.  When we take these life events and make them the reason why we haven’t achieve what we wanted to, we totally disempower ourselves.  I grew up in the eighties, most of my classmates came from divorced families.  I look around at my classmates today, some of them are very successful  and others aren’t, but their success isn’t reliant on...

How to get over it

Get over it!  Is probably something that you have heard, so time in your life.  Sometimes this is easy, but for the most part it is very challenging.  Logic says that you need to move but the voices in your head continue – over and over again.   So how do you get over it?  Are there steps that you can take to move on from the hurt, the anger, resentment and overwhelm?  I believe there are.  The Eagles 1.  Why we struggle to get over it Lets first look at why it is a struggle to get over things,  I think there are a few reasons but one that stands out for me is that we believe that the situation should be another way.  We get so stuck on feeling terrible about our current situation so we create a illusion or fantasy that if it were to be the opposite things would be so much better.  As time goes by, we seek out evidence to make ourselves right.  Amplifying the negatives of our current situation and the positive of the opposite.   The more intensely we concentrate on this the greater our fantasies and nightmares become. 2.  What you can do What I’m going to ask you may seem counter intuitive.  This is probably because in today’s society we have become very polarised.  We have set rules of what is “right” and what is “wrong”.  So looking at the downside of “good” or the upside of “bad” seems to fly in the face of sanity.  Please bear with me and just give it a go.  If you do nothing...

How to get over it

Get over it!  Is probably something that you have heard, so time in your life.  Sometimes this is easy, but for the most part it is very challenging.  Logic says that you need to move but the voices in your head continue – over and over again.   So how do you get over it?  Are there steps that you can take to move on from the hurt, the anger, resentment and overwhelm?  I believe there are.  The Eagles 1.  Why we struggle to get over it Lets first look at why it is a struggle to get over things,  I think there are a few reasons but one that stands out for me is that we believe that the situation should be another way.  We get so stuck on feeling terrible about our current situation so we create a illusion or fantasy that if it were to be the opposite things would be so much better.  As time goes by, we seek out evidence to make ourselves right.  Amplifying the negatives of our current situation and the positive of the opposite.   The more intensely we concentrate on this the greater our fantasies and nightmares become. 2.  What you can do What I’m going to ask you may seem counter intuitive.  This is probably because in today’s society we have become very polarised.  We have set rules of what is “right” and what is “wrong”.  So looking at the downside of “good” or the upside of “bad” seems to fly in the face of sanity.  Please bear with me and just give it a go.  If you do nothing...